Hothmart: Episode I, Chapter one
by BobaFreakinSexyFett
Summary: After Luke turns to the darkside, what silly adventures will he get into now at the beloved Hothmart?


Hothmart. Episode I

Chapter one.

Luke stared at Vader, debating whether or not to take his father's hand in darkness. Luke's little hand stub was starting to throb with pain, he was losing blood every second. He never had a father growing up, just his mother who used to reek of gin and cologne. She would yell at him in this smoker's raspy voice, telling him to mop up the kitchen floor because the dog pissed on it again. Young Luke would mumble and groan, the stiff mop sucking up the dog urine like a dehydrated kid. Luke thought that having a dad would save him from having to clean up dog piss for the rest of his youth, giving him some spare time to meet girls and take a shower. Alas, no father with a smiling face or a toy truck came knocking at the door. It was just Luke and his mother Gigi.

Luke looked at his father's hand again.

'Fuck saving this universe. My mom and the rest of them can just burn in hell.' he thought.

And with that, Luke grabbed his father's hand and this is where our story begins.

In a galaxy not too far away...

We stumble upon a dandy store named "Hothmart." Which is easily confused with Walmart. You see, this store was nothing like it's competitor, Walmart. In fact the Imperial Army strongly sponsored Hothmart. As we begin to stroll into this fine establishment, we see two store clerks chatting it up next to the Shrinky Dinks aisle. The one girl named Betty was pimping out an Imperial Army helmet. The other, who was named Xandra was dressed up as Boba Fett...kind of. Picture Boba Fett and Lady Gaga having a baby...and that's...pretty much what you see.

"Damn Kraft. It said mix well! I fuckin' mixed well, and you know what? That fuckin' Kraft screwed me sideways!" Betty stated, rather loudly.

"Hahaha, that's what she said...and if that's the highlight of your week...there's something fuckin' wrong with you! Hahaha." Xandra said back. Before "Betty" had even the slightest chance of giving a witty comeback, Mr. Solo crashed their little party.

"What are you two up to?" Han Solo, the owner and manager of the store, yelled.

"Mr. Solo...Solo on the rocks..." Xandra said. He gave her an angry look.

They both scurried back to the correct posts they were supposed to be at in the first place.

"ATTENTION: Darth Vader and his son are arriving soon." The loudspeaker boomed across the entire store.

Chewy, the assistant manager, made a loud Chewbacca noise.

"Chewy, calm down, I know Luke turned against us but at least we have this amazing store, right? Plus Luke saved us when he told Vader to not kill us." Chewbacca let out yet another howl. Han just laughed.

"Alright, just make sure everything looks nice and tidy."

Chewbacca walked away.

C3PO was hurrying down the main aisle with a mop and bucket, getting soapy warm water everywhere. Han put his hand on his shoulder to stop him.

"What are you doing?" He asked trying not to loose his temper with him, as he always did.

"Oh well, I happen to hear that announcement about Lord Vader and Master Luke paying a visit and I thought it would be best for me to clean up a tad." C3PO replied in that arrogant voice of his.

"Well how 'bout ya start by cleaning that trail of water before someone gets hurt, huh?" Han said as he motioning towards the water that led down that entire aisle.

"Oh." C3PO stated. Han walked away before he broke out in complete anger.

"Right away sir!"

The Millennium Falcon came to rest on the glowing landing pad on top of Hothmart. The ramp descended, and Darth Vader walked out, cape billowing behind him. His audible breaths made the workers that came to greet them shiver.

Betty, Xandra, and Han were among them.

Vader came to rest and the bottom of the ramp. Footsteps behind him could be heard, and Luke came into view.

Oddly enough, he looked a lot like George Clooney. He had a black cape billowing behind him and a shiny bionic hand at his side. His hair covered one of his eyes. He looked like the kind of guy who would ride a bicycle while wearing a fox pelt, because it's so ironic. His leather boots clanged on the cool metal of the ramp, and he eyed up his once friends.

"Well, well, well. We meet again, eh?" He said, putting his arm around his dear old dad.

"What the fuck are you, Canadian?" Han said, spitting on the ground.

Darth Vader held out his hand, briefly choking Han.  
"No one, will make fun of my son in my presence." He said, menacingly.

Luke smirked.  
"What now, sonny-boy?"

Han fell to the ground and tried to regain his breath. Xandra and Betty look grave.

"Well then!" Luke said, clapping his hands.  
"Why don't you show me around this fine establishment? I'm curious to see what happened to my old pals."

No one moved.

"SHOW THEM." Vader cried.

Xandra didn't look at him, but lead him to the door.

Luke was about to use his all mighty Jedi powers to open the door, but Xandra beat him to it. She opening the cold steel door and politely held it for Betty, Luke, Vader and the now rather breathless Han. Then they all shuffled into a small elevator. The elevator looked very tattered for being installed only a year ago. Nonetheless it still was very efficient. Xandra pressed a few buttons on the control pad and the elevator began to descend towards the store below them.

XANDRA'S POINT OF VIEW.

I had to admit this was if not the worst elevator ride ever. It was so awkwardly quiet you could hear a pin drop. I had to clear my throat really badly. I fought back the tickle in my throat because I was so afraid of Lord Vader at that point. A sigh of relief swept across mine, Betty, and Han's faces when the elevator doors swooshed open. The silence of the elevator ride was replaced with the sound of generic pop music and cheery Hothmart shoppers. Everyone stepped out and found comfort with their personal space again.

"Well..." Vader said as he extended his arms. "...got alota torturin' to do..." He used his hands show what tortures he was doing while saying, "Doo doo le doo." He gave Luke a well-deserved pat on the head.

"Alright, buddy be good and daddy will bring you home a prize from work!" Vader informed him with most father like voice he could muster.

"all right dad!" He said, as if he was on Leave it To Beaver. Xandra and Han just exchanged creeped out looks.

Han thought, 'Wow the kid must be brainwashed...the hell is a matter with him?'

He looked at Han with some sorry doe eyes. "Uhh..want the tour or what kid?" Han said while scratching his head. Luke replied with the gayest voice ever. "Would I!"

"Come on kid." Han motioned him to walk towards the front of the store as he rolled his eyes.

As soon as Xandra and Betty knew the coast was clear, they busted out laughing. "How lame was that shit?"

"They fuckin' brainwashed his ass, no doubt!" Xandra stated.

" Dude I know!" Chewbacca came over to the two clerks, who appeared to be slacking on the job. Chewy let out a loud Chewbacca like noise. "Chewy we just brought Luke down here, we're not slacking!"

Chewy made a howl again.

"I'm not getting snippy!" Chewbacca made more Chewy noises and pointed towards the new shipments that need stocked.

"I didn't even see those until now." Xandra said.

"Hey dude he's like the assistant manager and what not." Betty said to Xandra while looking at Chewy.

"Fine! Let the baby get his way." Xandra said sarcastically as she went over to the cart and began to make her round around the store to stock the shelves. Chewy walked away.

Betty, the Mother Theresa, of Storm Troopers, started walking towards to the break room to get something to munch on, while she was still on her dinner break. You see, Hothmart employees are made to be top notch unlike that silly Walmart. So, all employees not only work on a 24 hour-a-day basis but they even have their very own condo on the floors above!

BETTY'S POINT OF VIEW

I walked into the break room, untying the spoons that always adorned my helmet. I set them on the shabby card table that sat in the corner of the room. The room was drab. White walls were badly painted, you could see designs in the paint. The carpet was green and had the appearance of vomit. The break room smelled of melted cheese and Robotussin. There was a white fridge that hummed violently. I grabbed my Caesar Salad from its depths and placed it on the card table.

I opened up the crinkly plastic of the container. I stabbed the lettuce angrily with my spoon.

I began to reminisce of a time before this, it was a time back in my golden days.

It was when Hoth wasn't the metropolis it is today. Before Luke turned to the dark side, Hoth used to be an unforgiving planet. It was populated by snow beasts and a race of tiny things. So tiny that they were almost fetus-like. They had no names, but they would congregate in caves, huddled together for warmth.

I stumbled upon this race one day while I was sent out to find the rebel base. I was carrying a bag full of odds and ends, lest I be caught in a freak storm. I heard a small mewling noise coming from a small cave as I was passing by. Carefully, I sneaked in to investigate.

They were kitten like in their forms, but they writhed like worms. Saliva bubbles bursting at the edges of their mouths, small, fleshy limbs flailing about. They were pink, newborn coloured flesh. When their beady eyes saw me, they began to howl. It sounded like a dump truck being dropped off the Empire State building.

I didn't know what else to do, so I took some of my food rations and chewed it up. I held it between my cheek and gum while I searched for something to feed it to them. I ran across a wooden spoon. I spat out the chewed food and offered it to one of the pink puppy-like mouths.

It accepted it greedily.

The rest of the fetus-like forms crowded around me, eager for food.

I had no idea what they were or where they came from, but they needed a motherly figure, and I filled that position quite well.

I had basically retired from my duties and left Lord Vader to tend to these defenseless creatures. He searched for me, afraid that I would spread some kind of dark secret about him, but the search didn't last long.

Eventually I ran out of food rations so I had to resort to the natural wildlife. It wasn't much, but it got the job done.

I began to notice some changes on planet Hoth. For one, there was more life. Second, there was a lot of construction going on. The beeps and thumps would awake the fetus beings, and they'd whine. I didn't like it. It was eerie.

One day, while I was scavenging for food when I saw someone sitting on the ground. It's freezing, so anyone sitting on the ground obviously has a death wish. I noticed that it was Boba Feet's helmet. I hid behind a rock, scared that Lord Vader had sent the bounty hunter after me. Then I noticed that it was a feminine body. I knew Boba Fett was a man, so I became curious and walked up up to them.

"Well look what the cat dragged in." I said in a sarcastic tone, straightening the emergency spoons tied to my helmet.

This person seemed pretty upset, I could hear sobs and choking coming from inside the helmet. Boba never cried.  
"B-Boba..." The person stuttered.

"What?" I asked. It was a girl dressed in a tattered Jedi robe.

"Boba...he's...gone." She said.

"Boba Fett? The bounty hunter? He can't be dead." I said dumbly.

"But alas he is! He died while hunting some silly criminal. He...he said that when he saved up enough money, we...we...were going to run away." She said, and broke down again.

I kind of just stood there because I didn't know Boba Fett was capable of loving.

"What's...your name?" I asked, looking at the ground for some small grubs or worms.

"Xandra."

I recognized that. She was a bounty hunter herself.

"I know that you know my name. You used to be a storm trooper. I saw you a couple times when I was aboard the Death Star. I met Boba on the job. Lord Vader was briefing us on our mission. We had to work together, which Boba didn't like. We grew fond of each other, and you know...one thing lead to another and now...he's dead and I'm on goddamn Hoth."

I told her that I'd take her back to my camp, but only if she promised not to disturb the creatures that lived in the caves. We'd ride my ton-ton named Roger.

On the way back to the base she told me what had taken place between the Skywalker kid and Lord Vader. Apparently Luke made the Rebel forces shit bricks because he joined the dark side. So now, Vader and Skywalker became some sort of sick team that played baseball with a criminal's head and built cities over humble villages. That's what was happening to Hoth, and that is how we came to work at Hothmart.

I had just finished my salad when Han walked in.

"Damn, he's got that kid on a tight leash, too bad to. He had a ton of potential." Hoth said, while stealing someone's food for a snack.

Betty just laughed. "So how's being a daddy going?"

"It's rough. But I feel bad that I have to be at Hothmart all the time and leave Leia at home." He said with concern.

"But what about Chewy watching the store, while you're away?" Betty asked him.

"Chewy? Working the entire store?" Han laughed at her remark.

Betty sat there and thought quickly... "What if I...like be the manager while your away?"

Han thought, 'she's never missed a day of work. she's the best employee here too.'

"You know you're right! I will give you permission to be part-time manager when I am away!" Han informed her.

"Awe thanks Han!" She ran and gave him a hug.

"All right... come on..." Han said prying her off of him.

So after a long talk, Han convinced Chewy that she could be part-time manager. Tonight would be her first night to prove that she had the potential. If all goes well maybe she could manager someday. It was all she dreamed about at night. Han was her biggest idol. Every night she prayed that Han would recognize her amazing abilities of being a manager and now it'd finally paid off. The only concern Betty had now was...Xandra. She couldn't care less if Darth Vader was the manager of the store let alone Mr. Solo. Maybe Betty could give her the day off?

XANDRA'S POINT OF VIEW

I was almost done restocking the shelves when a Mandalorian couple happen to stroll on by me. That's when I begin to reminisce about my bounty hunting days. I was one of the best...so was he.

The first time I ever saw him was on the Death Star. Darth Vader assigned the best bounty hunters in the galaxy to meet there. He was looking for a highly dangerous criminal named, Stanley Yelnats. He was wanted because he was leaking valuable information to the Rebel Alliance. Ironically Vader decided to team the bounty hunters up by putting us in pairs. He told us to draw straws. Even more ironic, I was paired up with Boba Fett. He was a loner, a rebel. I could tell he hated the fact he had to work with someone else. I could feel him starring at me through his helmet.

'Great, just what I need another Madalorian hating me.' But the fact of the matter was he actually wasn't thinking that way at all. It wasn't often that you'd see a legit female bounty hunter, you know. As we both got aboard the Slave1 he sat in the pilot's seat. I felt obliged to sit in the back area, not to steal his thunder because he screamed authority. After awhile he went into auto-pilot and sat next to me. 'Oh god.' I thought. 'Just what I need is some ugly shud trying to hit on me.'

BOBA'S POINT OF VIEW

Lord Vader is a fool. I and other bounty hunters were sent off to look for the so called 'Stanley Yelnats'. He wasn't even a real person. Lord Vader was just stuck watching 'Holes' and had a dream involving the character, Stanley Yelnats. He deemed it a prophecy, and that the force was strong with this Stanley person, and surely this freedom-fighter was leaking out secret codes. Lord Vader collected the best bounty hunters in the universe, and brought us upon the death star.

He began to tell us the 'whereabouts' of this person. He lived on a sandy planet and was sending occasional transmissions to the Rebel troops. We were to go off in pairs, in case on dies while trying. It was important that Stanley Yelnats was caught. He told us to draw straws. We all pulled and faced our comrades. The whole idea of this disgusted me. I work alone. I didn't have time to spend on relationships. I had money to make and things to take care of. Plus, they just got in the way. I looked over at my teammate and saw that it was a female. I groaned internally. I would be subject to constant bitching and her not wanting to do certain things. I don't even know why she was here. I knew nothing about her other than the fact her name was Xandra.

We shook hands and I noticed she smelled nice. I felt a horrible flutter in my heart when I saw her. I shivered at the thought of having to deal with her on this wild goose chase. We climbed aboard my ship and she immediately placed herself in the back, busying herself with some kind of nonsense task. I sat up front, directing the ship and having time to brood over my own thoughts.

Should I go talk to her and risk losing my tough exterior, the show I put on for everyone and anyone? She seemed sad, almost like she was hoping we would get close and swap stories. My toes curled and my finger lingered over the autopilot button. She coughed lightly and I heard a page turn. This internal battle was murder, the worst thing I've ever had to deal with. I never let myself get close to anyone. They either betray you or leave you. People are simple creatures. I tried to alienate myself from them and become something completely different. It was different this time, though. She seemed...sweet.

I pressed the autopilot button and made my way to where she was sitting.

Xandra's hair was yellow. Like wheat yellow. Like the yellow you always see in different places and it makes you feel nice. Her helmet sat on the table next to the rest of her things. Her armor was sand-gold. Vengeance. She seemed very troubled yet very serene. It was a curious mixture. She sat in a swivel chair reading about various criminals and their different crimes. It was dog-eared all over and looked very ragged. I started to think that she may have tried out a few of the techniques in there.

I sat down next to her and looked at my feet.

"What're you reading?" I asked, even though I already knew.

"Oh...y'know. Criminals and the crimes they committed. I'm rather fond of the man who skinned people and turned their skin into clothing." She replied. I could tell she was surprised that I even came back to talk to her.

"Oh...well..." I mumbled. What do you say to someone who's reading about a guy who skins people and then wears their still warm flesh?

We sat in silence for about fifteen minutes. For some reason, it seemed like we were gradually getting closer to each other. I had seemed to move a couple inches away from my original seat, as had she.

Then I did the most stupid thing I could ever do. I revealed myself. All torn up and vulnerable-like. I set my helmet down next to me and just looked at her. Xandra's eyes scanned my face and the rest of my body, expecting to see something else even more horrific than my face. I thought she was going to turn away in disgust, but she smiled and said

"There you are..." real quiet like and kissed my damp forehead.

XANDRA'S POINT OF VIEW.

I was happy he actually trusted me enough to take off his helmet in front of me. His face shown a few scars, but he was gorgeous nonetheless. He looked at me, as if he was ready for me to hurl one hundred insults his way. But then I smiled at him and said, "There you are..." almost in a whisper but not so.

Then I kissed his damp forehead. What the hell did I do? I couldn't believe I had even done this, I was risking so much of my reputation now. What was he going to think of me? I barely knew this man. Yet I somehow felt as if I had knew him a long time. He stared at him blankly for a brief moment.

"What are you staring at?" I said to him in a tough tone trying to cloud the fact that I was indeed blushing a tad. We were somehow, already sitting very close together...how that happened I will never know.

He pulled me in even closer to him and kissed me rather passionately. He made me drop my book onto the ground and I wrapped my hands around his neck. He pulled away and said to me, "If you're gonna kiss me, go for the gold." He smiled. Then the ship made an alarming noise. He sighed and got up and proceeded to the front of the ship. We were very close to the city where "Stanley Yelnats" was raining down terror on the Imperial Army. After the ship was cleared to land, he parked the ship. I was getting my things together, which wasn't much since I've been a bounty hunter for a very long time I am use moving a lot. I was about to put my helmet on when I felt someone wrapped their arms around my waist. I laughed a little and put my hands on his.

"Hey!" I said to him in a playful tone. He kissed me again.

"You know...Vader is starting to lose it...so whatcha say we run away after we catch this Stanley Yelnats hmm?"

"I..I'd love that..alot" I never really had anybody because of being on the job so much.

It wasn't lust...there was a true connection we had.

-fade out-

"Yo Xandra!" a voice yelled.

"Whoa?" I yelled.

"I am being the manager tonight, I swear don't you ruin this for me! I know you've screwed me over in the past, but this huge man, this is big!" Betty started rambling on about how Mr. Solo is the epitome of leadership and how much she loves that. Then about how she like prays about him or maybe it was the shrine she had of him in her closet?

"Alright, alright!" I said

"Geeze, if ya love Mr. Solo so much why don't cha just marry the dude!"

"Ughh" Betty said as she walked away, to prepare for the NIGHT SHIFT!


End file.
